Struggling with Comparisons

"Comparison is the thief of joy." 

You may or may not have noticed that I've been posting less recently lately and the quality of my posts hasn't been the greatest.  This is mostly because final exams crept up on me and when something counts as 40% of your overall grade...well, it's hard to ignore! But I've been on summer break for almost two weeks now and blogging just isn't quite feeling the same. I haven't been enjoying it as much as I used to.

I think (actually, I know) this is because I have the wrong intentions. Blogging has become (like most things in my life) a competition and not a hobby. To be frank, I've been focusing way too much on numbers. I think it's incredibly hard not to get caught up in that, especially as a new blogger. Being the competitive person I am, I have to admit that it's sometimes hard for me to see other people prosper and my numbers stay the same. It's dusgusting, I know.

I know that comparing myself to other bloggers isn't going to make my blog better. In fact, it's doing the exact opposite--it's holding me back. There are tons of gorgeous, amazing, talented bloggers out there and I'm lucky enough to know a lot of them! They're my friends, not my competition. Maybe my blog will turn into a multi-million dollar fashion empire....maybe (probably) it won't.  Either way, I'm still going to blog and enjoy doing it. 

While it's all fine and good that I have a new outlook on blogging, I'm still dealing with the bigger issue here. Constantly comparing myself to other people is something I've been struggling with for a long, long time. I do it often and I do it well. Sometimes I'm conscious of it but usually I don't even realize that I do it. It's became a sort of 'default' setting that my brain automatically goes into. Scary, huh?

I touched on this breifly in my lessons from sophomore year post, but comparing yourself and trying to do a thousand things to keep up with people is only going to make you miserable. For example, I constantly compare myself to my 'friends.' I put quotes around 'friends' because I probably won't talk to any of these people post-graduation. I think we all have these people in our lives. The people who seem nice on the outside but somethings just not quite right about them. You know those friends whose compliments make you say 'Thank you?' instead of 'Thank you!' because you're not really sure if they actually complimented or insulted you. Yeah, those people you should probably just stay away from.

I go to a really big school, so they're lots of different people here. But naturally I've gravitated towards the career-minded, uber-competitive kids, because they're just like me. This isn't a bad thing, but often some of my 'friends' on campus won't even stop to talk to me. Typically it's because they're president of club A, B and C and have to run off to some meeting. "Oh I'm just so busy!" they'll say in a tone of condescension. It's as if they pity me for having the time to stop and eat lunch. So naturally, I start thinking: 'Is it wrong that I have a half hour to spare? Am I not doing enough?'

 All of my 'friends' had their days planned to every last second, and I spent the majority of my time eating Ben & Jerry's and watching Arrested Development for the 4th time on Netflix. So basically, this last semester, I realized I had to wanted to get my S#$% together, so I did 3 internships and joined every club I possibly could. Spoiler alert: that didn't work out for me too well.

While I think it's something I'll always struggle with to a certain extent,  I'm now consciously making an effort to overcome it. This is because it's gotten exponentially worse over the last few months.  It's starting to interfere with my life in ways I wasn't even conscious of until I took a serious step back and evaluated my life. I've realized that I waste so much time comparing myself to other people. I caught myself searching LinkedIn the other day counting internships people in my class have done. "Oh!" I would think, "She's only done 2 and I've done 4--excellent!" or "She's done 5 internships and writes for this magazine and is the president of 3 clubs--What am I doing with my life?" Like I said before, I'm all about numbers, not just when it comes to blogging.  What's even more embarrassing is that, I found myself doing comparisons far crazier than that. "Oh my god," I thought, "She went to Yale, Harvard Law and now is the CEO of her own company. I go to a state school and I couldn't even pass calculus. I'm a failure."

Honestly, I'm embarrassed now that I type that out and I'm tempted to just delete this whole post. What am I doing comparing myself to a woman thirty years older than me? Yeah, she graduated from Harvard Law. That's amazing for her! That doesn't, however, make me stupid or mean I'm going to fail at life. It all sounds nice and simple when I write it out, but I just go right back to thinking this way later. I think a little comparison to your peers is healthy. But comparing your success to someone in a totally different place in life is just bonkers! Yes, I just said bonkers, because it seemed appropriate.

Again, this is disgusting, and I am fully aware of that fact. Remember that crazy competitive nature I talked about earlier? Yeah, now do you believe me? 

People have told me my entire life that I shouldn't compare what I have to others. I was taught to be grateful for what I had and focus on that. I was taught that there would always be someone smarter, more successful, but that this was all relative. Because of my competitive nature, I absolutely refused to accept this.

I used to equate comparisons to setting goals for myself. I would see someone achieve something, and say to myself "OK, that's what I want have to do next." This couldn't be more wrong. The difference with comparisons is that they can never really be achieved. There will always be something or someone new to compare yourself to. It's a never ending road.

In the end, comparisons are just exhausting. Whenever I catch myself comparing, I think about how much energy I'm wasting on that act. I could easily channel that energy into something else, something positive!

It all gives me serious, serious anxiety. In fact, it gives me so much anxiety that there will probably be another post on how much anxiety I have later. I've got a lot of baggage people. But, back to my point, what's even worse is that it all comes from myself. I control my thoughts and I choose to make these unhealthy comparisons. I can also choose not to make them and that's why I'm trying really hard to do.

This post has been sitting in my drafts for a long time. A really long time. A version of this was actually one of the very first blog posts I wrote, but I've never found the courage to hit that little orange 'publish' button. For the most part, I've tried to keep an overall positive, happy vibe on this blog. 

This is mostly because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining or I'm an ungrateful person. One thing I've become conscious of since starting my blog is that it's easy for things to be misinterpreted. I know what my intentions are and that they're coming from a good place, but that doesn't mean it will read that way to someone else. So I hope you understand that I'm not looking for pity, I'm simply sharing my deepest, truest feelings! These feelings might seem like I'm whining to some, but I hope there are more of you that understand and gain something from this post. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way, and if I am, you reserve the right to tell me how crazy I am. 

But just remember: stop those comparisons, you're worth so much more than that!

xo Sydney 

P.S. That was CRAZY long! If any of you actually read this entire post please tweet/facebook/e-mail me so I can give you a check for $1 million dollars*

** disclaimer: I don't actually have a million dollars but I will write you another very long thank you note!


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